I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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