I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
