If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
