Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
