Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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