a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
