Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
