I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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