I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
