I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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