sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
