i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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