"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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