There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Your penis caused this!
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