well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
