Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
