somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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