please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
