no, he came in my armpit
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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