Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
