I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
