Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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