I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You are the jesus of drinking
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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