tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
