I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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