a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
