my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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