So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
