god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
