This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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