I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
