I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I didn't notice because vodka
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
