so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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