Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
