My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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