if i can run in heels then i can drive
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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