I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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