Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
