I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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