Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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