We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
