he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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