Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
