tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
