nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
