I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
