I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
you made out with another girl for some wings
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
