i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
