Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
