I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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