I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
