There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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