I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize