you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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