watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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