I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
