I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
