I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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